so alot has happened in the past week and a half.  i stated earlier about my brother.  that is still upsetting.  oh but it gets better.  my boyfriend of over three and a half years decided that my life was too complicated for him and that he couldn't handle the drama that it entailed... meaning he didn't want to be there for me while i help my brother with his cancer ordeal again.  i am still pissed about this.  i mean, what am i supposed to say?  'sorry, hun, i'll leave my friends and family again and move back to be closer to you in a time when they need me to be around the most'??  really... i'm effing pissed.  i mean how does a person do that after three and a half years of being together? 

i just can't believe that i even moved out there the first time.  wow, to think of everything that i sacrificed just to be near him... and then he basically throws it back in my face saying 'this isn't good enough and i don't love you anymore'. 

fuck him.  i'm done. 

i'm going to be with a man that treats me the way i deserve to be treated.  one who will open doors, bring me flowers to make me smile and soup and a funny movie when i'm sick, be spontaneous and caring and think that i'm the best thing that he could have ever imagined... that's what i deserve.  that's what i did for him... and it meant nothing. 

i don't know how long it will take me to get over him.  i'm still in shock.  i feel like becoming an alcoholic until '08.  sorry liver, this may be a rough ride.

damn, three and a half years.  i hope he got everything he wanted out of me.  it sure seems like it.

it's been a while

so nearly a year.  i think that's some sort of record for me.  life has changed drastically now that i look back.  maybe that's what i should do from now on.  post only once or twice a year and see where i'm at.  and at this point and time i'm not too enthused at my position. 

i'm not in school right now and i've got the itch to go back.  not because i have a clue as to what i want to do, moreso to busy myself from the mindless dull of life.  i have to say that i've got it semi-easy right now.  coming from what happened in tennessee to this wasn't even on the horizon 6 months ago.  i'm still in awe of how much i underestimate my parents.  and siblings.

the retail world will not own me forever, of that i'm sure.  one of my very good friends , a former co-worker and boss, and i have been talking about what we'll be getting our degrees in if/when we go back.  she wants something medical.  there's money in medicine.  not that she really has to worry about money but it'll be nice to have when her husband retires and she will only have to work part-time and they'll be able to travel.  it's weird how my friends are.  she and i are very similar.  when she was my age she did something as stupid as me and even her consequences were insanely similar.  and she's fine.  i need to talk to her more often.

my brother has another appointment next week.  originally it was to get the results of his PET scan from the previous week.  now he has had another apointment made by his oncologist to talk.  i'm scared again.  another round of chemo and radiation will be horrible.  and i'm almost certain he'll lose all of his teeth seeing as how that's very near the area to which the radiation and chemo is directed.  he'll lose his hair again.  he has such springy brown hair.  i wasn't there for him at all with his first bout; i was in tennessee doing the school and boyfriend thing.  i wish i could have been here for him.

it's late.  i should get to bed.  i'll probably be back before the month is out.

so no love for kim from ANYONE on xanga on her birfday.  i'm disappointed.  well, it's not like it was better on myspace or facebook.  only a handful of best wishes on either.  so thank you for the words of happy happy.

ps. i'm expecting mega cool christmas gifts to repair the mental anguish i sustained from these happenings.  my favorite color is blue and i like silver jewelry.  thank you.